


but you cross them every time

by thephilosophah



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, Light Angst, Post-Episode: Putting Others First - Selfishness v. Selflessness Redux | Sanders Sides, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:41:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25241074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thephilosophah/pseuds/thephilosophah
Summary: The only two sides who actually and truly fit into the Core Side/Dark Side dichotomy are Roman and Remus. Doesn't that bother anyone? That the only two who go out of their way to follow that dichotomy are the two that were split from a single source?Surely they have a good reason.
Relationships: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders
Comments: 6
Kudos: 39





	but you cross them every time

**Author's Note:**

> i _was_ team "orange side is wrath" until svs2, but i had to switch teams and this is my new theory for orange/seventh side. plus a bunch of headcanons, you know, the usual
> 
> the title is one of the lyrics of [don't make me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQAbzby4hZk) and if you haven't heard it, like, what are you doing

_Wouldn't know who the evil twin is,_ Roman's ass. Like one mean comment is enough to warrant that kind of cruelty. Like Deceit of all people has any right, any right at all, to so much as suggest it'd be hard to tell Roman apart from his twin.

Like that isn't the whole point.

The whole point, the reason they're twins at all, opposites in everything they are and do, to be as separate from each other as possible. To shoot as far apart as they can take it, in as opposite directions as the mind can handle. That's the whole point, that's what they're for, that's why they're twins and not--

Not--

...Not... not halves. Why they're clashing opposites, not halves of a whole.

There's no whole, anymore, no singular Creativity to encompass all that the twins are.

They have to be opposites. They have to be against each other, a hero and a villain, a protector and a violator - if they were anything like each other, it would all have been for nothing.

Roman is a hero. He's a prince, a knight in shining armor, a shield for the innocent and a kind heart. He has to be. He is.

He's nothing like Remus. He can't be. He could grow a mustache, he could start swearing, and then what? Even then Roman would be hard pressed to be anything like his twin, and _even then_ it would be impossible to confuse one of them for the other.

Deceit was being cruel on purpose, he was lying, that's what he _does._

Except he... didn't do that, this time, did he? Not unless his lies were so obvious that they qualified as sarcasm. Was he--

Was he right?

No, he can't have been.

Roman can't be anything like his evil twin. He can't! It's against the laws of nature or something.

Roman is the hero, and that's that.

  
  
  
  
  


_Wouldn't know who the evil twin is,_ Remus' ass.

Remus heard, of course he did. They all hear their names being mentioned, their titles or their jobs. Of course he heard.

That doesn't mean he'd like to believe it.

Janus is his friend. They're friends, they work together. It's half thanks to denial that Remus can do half the shit he can do.

How could Janus have said _that?_

Have said it using Remus' name directly, making sure that Remus had no choice but to listen?

Something chokes at the base of Remus' throat, and he wishes it'd just make him pass out. It'd hurt less.

It _might have_ hurt less if he hadn't told Janus, if Remus wasn't certain, without a doubt, that Janus knew _exactly_ how much blood the words would spill, because Remus has already explained it to him.

That it's not some schtick.

Remus is the evil twin, and he's _proud_ of it. He's glad to be mean, and lewd, and intrusive. It's not like Anxiety putting on a tough persona to scare the others into listening to him. It's not like Deceit playing with his cards so close to his chest that the others have to lean close to even see that he has any cards at all.

Remus has no persona, and his cards are all face up on the table, and have been the whole game.

That's the _point._

He doesn't have secrets, because why bother hiding anything? He loves to spill the most absurd of thoughts at the most inopportune of times, to confuse and to distract, to be rude, and harmful, and careless.

That's the whole point. He's the _evil_ twin. He can't not be.

If he wasn't, what would he be? Just some little neutral, a stream of thoughts easy enough to swallow that Logan would be eating them for breakfast? Some tiny speck of passion, cut to size and smushing around in Patton's pocket? A handful of panic-inducing scenarios, tight around Virgil's neck, and wouldn't that be cute, wouldn't it be fun to make the emo squirm?

What would he be - a knock-off copy of Roman, flipped horizontally and with negative colors?

That would be fun to try, though. Face shaved clean and some concealer to hide the double shiners he likes to sport. Oh they'd certainly look alike. For as long as they stood still, and neither of them opened his mouth.

Cause that's the thing, isn't it? Remus could shapeshift right into Roman's appearance and they'd still be _nothing alike._

He's no Janus. He can't hide or pretend, and he certainly can't even guess what goes through Roman's head at any time.

And that's the point.

They're supposed to be opposites.

They're supposed to have separated intrusive thoughts from hopes and dreams.

If they don't, then the King died for nothing.

Which is why Remus can't swallow against the thing clawing at his throat from the inside. He remembers little from before - but he does remember that Janus liked him.

And Janus likes Remus, or at least he tolerates him enough to lie about liking him all the time.

So how could he have said that?

After all, he chose to stick by Remus' side, not Roman's.

How could he belittle Remus' efforts so much? Remus works hard to be the villain, to do his job, to be the evil twin. How could Janus compare all that to the stupid riffs that make up little mister nice twin's contributions?

How dare he?

No, Remus won't take this sitting down. He forces a choked swallow around the hurt in his throat and breathes.

He's nothing like his nice twin. He can't. He never wanted to be.

Remus is the evil twin, and that's that.

  
  
  
  
  
  


_But what if he wasn't lying._

_But what if he was right._

_What if he knew something the twins didn't, he always knows something, always keeps secrets..._

_But not me, no, I don't keep secrets. And I doubt_ you'd _ever be able to keep a secret to save your life._

_Ha! You think I wouldn't be able to keep a secret? Please._

_We're nothing alike._

_Nothing alike._

_Complete opposites._

_Separate, and that's the_ point.

_Nothing alike._

_The hero to the villain._

_The evil to the good._

_The shield to... the sword?_

_What? No, sword and mace. Where did the shield come from?_

_What's this_ 'and' _business? I think you mean '_ against.'

_The sword against the mace._

_Nothing alike._

_The attacker against the defender._

_The violator to the protector._

_The sword-- to the shield--_

_Nothing alike--_

_Exactly the same._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Janus, now that he's a little more certain of his own standing with Thomas, can spend a little more time in neutral headspace.

It's just a tad odd, to be here without Thomas. It looks just like his living room, though Janus supposes he shouldn't have expected otherwise. It would be jarring if the others, summoned as often as they are, had to completely change environments all the time.

It's a little jarring for Janus, still.

But no matter. Thomas listens to him now. Listens and appreciates, _trusts,_ instead of the fear and unease that he met Janus with before.

Janus presses his lips together to keep from smiling.

He's only reading a book, it would be weird if he started smiling out of nowhere. Not like anyone is looking at him to notice; Logan is pondering over an open binder and the papers he's stuffing it with, and Patton is on the floor with his own book.

Janus is... relatively sure Virgil is still in the kitchen, though he can't see him. Oh well.

There's-- something, in a moment, it ripples through the mindscape and makes all of them hold their breath for the short second it passes, and Janus finds that he can hear his own heartbeat.

It's odd - it feels personal, somehow, like hearing someone lying through their teeth. But there's something immovably, unshakably _true_ about what just passed through that makes Janus uncomfortable enough to close his book and frown.

He glances at the others. Patton is looking around, and Logan has paused mid-turning of a page of his binder. Even Virgil pokes his head over the counter to check on them.

Janus makes eye contact with Virgil.

But no, it can't be.

Virgil's eyeshadow, thin enough as it's been today, goes racoon all at once.

There's a bang from upstairs; a body hitting the floor. Shuffling as the owner of the body gets back on his feet, then those feet hurrying down the hallway, the top of the stairs--

_It is._

Janus is standing before the thought has even gone all the way through his head, and he's sure he was holding something a moment ago but it doesn't matter, none of that matters--

Roy freezes as he turns at the bottom of the stairs, breathing unsteady and eyes jumping between the four in the room.

Roy.

He's right there.

And Janus is frozen still, gaping like an idiot.

Roy takes one step, then two, and there's something wrong with him (oh there are so many things wrong with him) he isn't decorated at all, there's no gold on him, where's his _crown--_

Roy scoops Janus up and pins him against the wall in the most desperate hug he can take without breaking Janus' ribs.

Janus, a lump still in his throat and now with his feet off the ground, takes several seconds before he manages to bring his hands up to Roy's shoulders.

Roy exhales, long, exhausted.

"Is-- is it you?" Janus stutters out. "Roy?"

Roy goes to inhale, but it catches and he holds his breath instead. He shakes his head against Janus' shoulder.

"Roy--"

"Janus," Roy chokes out, and all the words in Janus' mouth tie themselves into a twisting knot and shove themselves down his throat.

"Janus," Roy says again, with a broken voice layered twice on top of itself.

Janus tries, tries his damnest, to find anything to say.

Over Roy's shoulder (where there isn't a speck of gold, how, how can a side still be themself when so much has changed on them, how is Roy _standing_ right now, those two sashes twisted around each other where a single golden one should've been) there's Logan, and Virgil, and Patton, good god, Patton.

It doesn't matter how much Janus tries. There isn't a force on earth that could've stopped him from breaking into tears right now.

Patton and Logan both stand up from their respective seats.

"Roy," Logan starts. "I mean, King."

And that's worse, isn't it, that's worse. Janus yanks his gloves off his hands to scramble at Roy's back (he's so much taller than Janus remembers, they're all supposed to be the same, why is Roy bigger now - _you know why, you know why.)_

"I'm sorry," Janus sobs into Roy's temple. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, this is not what I meant, I promise, I didn't mean this."

Roy shakes, slowly curving his back to let Janus slide back onto his own feet. He doesn't let go.

"I'm sorry," Janus repeats, like it means anything.

"I know what you meant," Roy says. "I know because me being here is the last thing anyone wants."

Janus shakes his head. He wants to deny it out loud, but he's dropped his gloves. He can't lie.

"It is," Roy insists. He leans back so he can look at Janus. "God, look at you. All fancy now."

Janus swallows his misery. "Look at you, all tall now."

Roy looks down at himself, as if the height difference between them wasn't clue enough. He quickly snaps his head back up so he doesn't have to see it.

(But it's exactly at eye-level with Janus. Green and red twisting around each other, over Roy's shoulder and looping down to his hip. Gray, open collar, and silver silver silver where there should've been warm gold.)

"...You know you fucked up," Roy settles on, eventually.

"Big time," Janus admits.

"I can't..." Roy takes a few steps back, closing his eyes. "I can't do it myself."

"We're not gonna--" Janus starts, but with a jolt of panic he realizes that _they just might have to._ "...I'm not gonna do it for you," he amends.

"Kiddo," Patton murmurs, hesitantly putting a hand on Roy's arm. "How're you feeling?"

"Bad," Roy says with a frown that's both of the twins at once, disturbingly enough. "Like two opposites and not-- not--"

_Not two halves of a whole._

_Not a whole that's about to be split,_ which is the last thing Roy felt last time he was around.

Two opposites, forcibly mashed together, because of Janus' stupid mouth and stubborn pettiness.

Two opposites that have worked hard, for _years_ , on _purpose,_ to be as opposite as they can get, because that's what worked best for them, and for everyone else.

And Janus knows this, with painful clarity, because he's been the closest to both Roy and Remus.

And this is what he gets for trying to get near Roman.

"I'm sorry," he repeats, again, because his gloves are off and truth is all he has to offer.

Roy swallows, shaking his head. "Not me."

Janus nods. He hesitantly picks up his gloves.

"Roy," Virgil's voice sounds, finally, after hours and hours in silence.

Roy can only offer him a brittle smile.

Virgil cups Roy's face with both hands. "It hurts, doesn't it?"

"It's awful," Roy admits. "It should be fine but it's not, it's really not. I can't even-- I'm not myself, am I?"

The more Roy speaks, the further Virgil's eyeshadow spreads. It's painful to watch.

"Kiddo," Patton repeats. "Tell us how to help."

"You know how to help," Roy says, and offers everyone his hands.

All four of them step back on reflex.

The laugh Roy chokes out is a horrifying mix of Roman lying and Remus holding back tears. Janus can hear him in parts, can pick out the opposites that are so far from being Roy's halves that his voice hesitates, then trips over itself when he speaks.

"It's not painful," Roy says, hands still out. "It didn't hurt last time, really. You won't hurt me."

He's lying.

Janus _bites his tongue._

"But what if we do?" Patton says. "Kiddo, I know what we said last time, but maybe it's different now?"

Roy shakes his head. His voice breaks, "Please."

Logan takes Roy's hands.

"Logan--"

"He's hurting," Logan says, but it comes out weak. He clears his throat and tries again. "He's hurting, and he's asking for our help. It's only... only logical to accommodate. It should only take a minute."

Roy smiles at him.

For the first time, he looks just a bit like himself. Like Roy used to be, before.

All-encompassing, brimming with creativity and an unstoppable word vomit, the very picture of confidence. His smile, genuine and thankful, as it should be, as _he_ should be.

It's not a smile of Remus', or of Roman's. It's Roy's, and Roy's alone.

Janus grabs the hand nearest him.

Patton and Virgil look outright gutted.

"It's for the best, isn't it?" Janus says, forcing his voice steady. "We have already discussed this at length, back when it first became a problem. Everyone agreed on this being the solution."

Logan nods, leaving that hand for Janus and taking the other with both of his own.

"And he said it won't hurt him," Janus says, because regret doesn't mean that he suddenly knows when to keep his mouth shut, apparently.

Roy nods, too, and it's a lie. He lies right in Janus' face and he must know, he must _know_ that Janus can tell.

"...Okay," Patton hums with a frown. He's slow to bring his hands up and take one of Roy's, and when he does he aims for the one Logan is holding.

"No, not me," Logan interrupts. "With Janus. I'm going to need Virgil on my side."

A flash of panic shoots through Virgil's face, and also down everyone's spine.

"Why?"

"Intrusive _thoughts,"_ Logan explains. "I can handle the thought part if you can pick out the intrusive part."

Janus' breath comes short. "You'd put me on hopes and dreams?"

"You're self-preservation, aren't you?" Logan points out.

And yeah, last time, Janus had been bitter about it. Last time, no one knew what his purpose was - they just thought he was some silver-tongued liar, a nasty snake grabbing for extra cookies and ignoring bed times, hurting Thomas with greed.

Last time, Janus was paired with Virgil to pull all the bad out of Roy, and Patton had enlisted Logan's help with pulling out all the good.

Janus has wondered about it before, and the mere thought was terrifying enough that he didn't want to entertain it, but looking at Roy again, now, after all this time--

How did it not occur to any of them that there's more to Roy than good and bad?

And what had happened to all that stuff that they missed the first time?

Janus swallows, nods at Logan, looks to Patton.

"I'll get dreams if you get hopes?" he tries.

Patton attempts a laugh that only barely shows through his distress. "You and I both know it's not that clear-cut."

And that's-- true, certainly, but it still hurts. And it's worse that he started the sentence like that, somehow.

"Do you want to sit down?" Logan offers.

"No, I'll-- no." Roy says.

Patton and Janus hold one of Roy's hands. Logan and Virgil take the other.

Roy smiles. He hasn't broken into tears, though he looks close to it. "It's okay. You're helping. Don't be scared."

With his breath held Janus closes his eyes - what a Roy thing to say. The dude is about to be split into pieces and he spends his last few seconds reassuring everyone else, trying to keep them safe.

Janus closes his eyes, and focuses as hard as he can on all the hopes and dreams he can pick out of Roy, every single bit of red and sparkle and _I want to do it, isn't that enough?_ and all things Roman - and pulls on them.

Virgil is the first to hum, just a quick one to let everyone know that he's ready.

Janus thinks of white knights, and hand-drawn castles, and a shining shield.

Patton hums, next.

Janus hums only seconds after him. He picks on all the parts he can hold, and then some more.

Logan takes a bit before he's sure he has everything, a long hum to punctuate his point.

With bated breath, they all stay very, very still.

"Mm," Roy goes, at last, and Janus wants to open his eyes, wants to see him, one last time.

He does not.

"Three, two, one," Logan counts.

All at once, Janus grabs, pulls, yanks - close to Patton, always close to Patton - and they all open their eyes.

The swiping sound of mass displacement. Two people can't occupy the same space.

Janus expects the sudden weight when it comes. He and Patton easily catch Roman between them, steady him enough that he doesn't fall even when he can't manage to get his feet under him.

There's screaming on the other side, but Janus doesn't turn to look.

He instead exchanges a look with Patton over Roman's head and the two of them gently lower him to the carpet, careful to prop him up so he can sit upright. _Then_ Janus looks over.

Remus is the one doing the screaming, of course, tossing under Virgil's and Logan's weight where they're trying to hold him down. There's blood on one of Logan's arms but he's always been the best at recovering from Duke damage.

Janus shuffles over and grabs Remus by the shoulders - less of a priority than his held-down limbs and close enough to Remus' mouth that nobody is very stoked about getting their hands near them - but they still need to be held down.

Especially for this next part.

"Remus," Janus says calmly.

Remus struggles against everyone, his eyes scrunched closed and tossing his head left and right.

Janus puts a knee on Remus' shoulder to get a hand free to grab Remus' jaw. "Remus."

Remus locks up every muscle in his body.

"We're going to let go now," Janus says. "And you're going to run, okay?"

Because the other options, of things Remus would like to do right now, involve screaming, or murder, or mutilation, or maybe all those things at once; Janus never quite managed to guess exactly what Remus thinks most of the time, and he'd rather not find out.

Remus lets out a sound that's nowhere near human vocal cords, his mouth and eyes still shut tight.

"Okay?" Janus repeats, squeezing Remus' jaw.

Remus stays locked for a moment, then slowly, grudgingly, forces his face to relax. 

Janus glances at Virgil - already bouncing away - and Logan - who quickly follows suit. He lifts his weight off Remus' shoulders, lets go of his jaw. "Run."

Remus half runs half sinks out of sight, gone before Janus can take a second look at him and figure out how bad it all is.

Janus turns to check on-- But Roman is gone, too, probably gone to slump literally anywhere other than the living room floor.

What Janus comes face to face with, instead, is three very upset, _very angry_ sides.

"It wasn't enough," Patton says, first to speak and the only one with any right, being the one who was there when Janus fucked up. "I left the moment I could, Janus, I went straight to Roman, he seemed fine when I left, it wasn't _enough."_

"Did you go to Remus?" Janus says, god, will he ever learn to shut up. "Did you check on the one whose work I _actually_ spat on out of nowhere, or was it enough for you that the one who _you yourself_ couldn't back up, just, _seemed fine_ when you left?"

Patton flushes. "I-I was going to! What I'm saying is that what you said--"

"I know what I said," Janus hisses, "and if you're going to lie to my face, you can at least try just a little more than that--"

Janus snaps his eyes closed, interrupting himself with a deep breath, both hands curling against the urge to clench them into fists.

"I'm sorry I snapped," Janus forces out. "There's no reason to argue, we all know I fucked up and you're upset because you couldn't do anything to diffuse the situation even though you were right there. It sucks. We all know. We don't have to comment on it."

He closes his hands into fists, reopening them slowly by force.

"Virgil, do you--"

"Yes," Virgil says, "But not from you."

"Oh, oh," Patton goes, immediately turning to offer the hug Virgil was begging for so visibly that even Janus could tell.

Virgil deflates like a balloon against Patton, hiding his face in his shoulder.

Janus offers a hand to Logan, who takes it in both of his own and squeezes.

"Okay," Patton mutters against Virgil's hair. He frees one arm to hug around Logan with it, bringing himself to face Janus again. "Okay."

"Okay," Logan agrees. "I think... maybe we should sit."

Virgil is already nodding, but Janus and Patton maintain uncomfortable eye contact.

"...I _want_ to go check on the twins," Janus says for both of them, "but I think I should give them some time."

Patton swallows, nodding.

"So, couch?" Logan tries again.

"...Couch," Patton gives, at last.

  
  
  
  


When Janus wakes up, he's still on the couch and Virgil is the only one left with him. He's still out cold.

Janus sits up uneasily, several tugs in his brain going off at once. He examines Thomas' first, and finds a loose weave of denial at the forefront of his mind. That should be fine enough - the man just had his creativity re-transfigure itself uncomfortably, twice in quick succession. He's entitled to a little denial.

There's a couple coming from the twins, and Janus kind of doesn't want to check on those, so he leaves them be for now.

And there is one with Patton.

That's worrying, or at least, more worrying than the others, and Janus rubs the sleep out of his eyes to listen a little closer.

He only gets the lies, and they're not strong enough for him to get enough words, but if Patton is lying about wanting to check on Remus, well. Maybe it's bad enough that he's feeling a little guilty that he didn't.

How bad, how bad does it have to be for that to be true?

Janus takes the stairs up. The last thing he wants is to pop up on Remus uninvited.

He knocks, twice, and both threads of lying in front of him stop tugging.

Patton is the one who opens the door, but he only does so to shoulder past Janus and power-walk away.

By the time Janus turns back to the door, it's already being slammed on his face.

He swallows.

"Remus--"

"Don't you fucking dare!"

Janus knocks, twice.

Remus knocks back in a crescendo.

Janus puts his forehead on the door, which is a fundamentally stupid decision on his part, but honestly, right now, he'd prefer an axe to the nogging over the silent treatment from _Remus,_ of all sides.

"Remus."

The screaming that follows is of the particular variety that comes from Remus biting his own arm to be quiet, and failing.

"I'm sorry," Janus says. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I _did_ mean to hurt Princey, but I meant to insult his stupid ideals, not--"

"They're not _stupid!"_ Remus wails, sliding the door open harsh enough that something cracks in the wall.

His face is wet all over. The bruises on his eyes have gone all the way down to the cheekbone, and there's something running from his mouth that's too clear to be blood but can't, in any case, be spit.

They stare at each other uncomfortably long. Janus forces his eyes to stay on Remus' face.

"You know why," Remus finally elaborates. "You know damn well why."

Janus nods.

"You know what it means to him-- to me, to both of us, Janus," he starts, turning around to march into the room. "You know why it's important, all that bullshit!"

Janus steps in after him and slides the door closed. "I know."

"You do know!" Remus swipes his wrist across his chin, wiping some of the bile off. "Because I told you, because I _trusted you,_ Jay, I trusted you to explain it, but it wasn't _my_ decision to make! I wasn't--"

He breaks off with a sob that turns into a frustrated scream.

"I wasn't _there,"_ Remus chokes out. "And it shouldn't matter, because I wouldn't be _here_ if it hadn't happened, but I wasn't there and nobody fucking _asked_ me."

"Let me ask you now," Janus says before he can think it through. He gets a knife to the eye for his trouble, and he physically has to pull it out before he can lie the damage away, which is as painful as it is disgusting.

"It doesn't _matter_ now," Remus spits. "It happened again and I can't even remember all of it."

"Remus, Duke," Janus says, "Would you like to keep existing as yourself?"

"That's loaded fucking phrasing and you know it!" Remus screams.

Janus ducks the knife this time. "I know! What do you want me to ask-- Do you want to be able to look at your brother? Do you want to help the entire mindscape survive in fucking peace? Do you want to end the neverending overwhelm that comes with an all-encompassing creativity? _Do you want the King to die?"_

Remus looks away, shoulders up to his ears.

There's lie and truth enough in it that he doesn't have to answer, not to Janus. Not when all the questions were rigged to have the same answer.

"I know I was there, and you weren't," Janus says. "I know he made a decision - we all made a decision - that brought you to life, without any way to ask you or Princey. You hadn't existed yet, back then. We _couldn't_ have asked you. The only one who was there to ask was the first one to come up with the idea." Janus wants to laugh. It doesn't quite come out right. "Of course he did, right? None of the rest of us are creative enough."

Remus does laugh. It breaks on the second breath and he slumps to the floor.

"I'm sorry," Janus says, coming to kneel by him. "I know why. Of course I know why. I was there. But he can't apply that logic to me, Remus. You two are the only ones who have to follow the dark or core system."

Remus hangs his head between his shoulders, elbows on his knees. "Then how could you say that?"

"I was lying," Janus says. "I wanted to hit him where he hurt. But I used your name, and you two have the same sore spots. I'm sorry, Remus."

Remus finally looks at him again. "You know that's not gonna cut it."

Janus nods. "I know. But I'll have to ask you to wait. I need to check in with Princey too."

Remus blinks. "You came to me first?"

"Of course I did. Remus, you--" Janus catches the lie by the throat and chokes it out before it can slip out. "I care about you a great deal, I was going to come to you first either way. But you had Patton in here, and I don't know what he was saying exactly, but he was lying big time, and I had to come see."

Remus shakes his head, laughing. "Nah, yeah, I know he was lying. Going on about worrying about me, piece of shit, bet he didn't even realize I could hear your bullshit until the King came bounding down the stairs."

Janus swallows. "Yeah, that's what I thought too-- Ree?"

"Mm?"

"How much do you remember of the King? Coming down the stairs, I mean?"

Remus grins on one side. "Aw, Jay, you do care. It's not that fuzzy, don't worry. I'll pin you to a wall anytime you ask me, though I'm not as tall--"

He cuts off abruptly, his grin twisting off into a pained grimace. He looks down at himself as if to make sure he's the right size, pats down his torso.

"Remus?"

Remus swallows with an audible click. "It's messed up. I just, it's so-- dysphoric, uncomfortable." He looks back up. "I can't describe it. I can shapeshift into the weirdest shapes, but somehow being bigger than--" he chokes, tries again. "It's so wildly nauseating."

"Because it was his actual shape," Janus fills in. "Because it wasn't a shapeshift, and he isn't you, Remus. You can handle a lot more twisted stuff than any of us, including the King."

Remus nods. "Yeah." He swallows. "Yeah, I guess I'm pretty great, huh? What would y'all do without me?"

"Die, probably."

"Oooh! Maybe I oughta hide out for a bit, see what happens?"

"Please don't. I'd miss you."

Wrong words, again, but at least both Janus and Remus know each other well enough to see the matching winces they pull and proceed to ignore how sideways that sentence just cut.

"I should go check on your knock-off," Janus says, standing up.

Remus stays down. "Aw, and we were just getting to the juicy stuff."

"Let me get this out of the way, then I'm all yours."

Remus grins. "All mine?"

Janus smiles with a nod. "All yours."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Roman, of course, does not answer his door as easily as Remus did.

Virgil and Patton go in and out of Roman's room a couple of times while Janus sits in a conjured chair across the hall. It's hours later when Logan finally shows up through Roman's door. Janus nods at him leaving and doesn't bother, at this point, to stand and knock for himself.

If Roman would rather have Logan's uninterrupted company for several hours, and won't even deign to so much as check the door for Janus, it's pretty clear Janus will have to wait for Roman to come out.

Janus actually has to grab dinner and then a late-night snack, waiting for a chance to talk to Roman. He considers asking Remus to take him around various creatively conjured parts of the mindscape to look for Roman, but decides against it. Remus is expecting good times when he next sees Janus. Chasing after his brother does not sound like a good time.

Janus goes to sleep, still without the chance to talk. He's fitful and dreamless, and that nap earlier was long enough that he's just a bit restless, despite going to bed late.

And he's hungry again, which sucks because his bed is warm and the room is less so. The rest of the house is outright cold, and the idea of opening the fridge has Janus shuddering as he enters the kitchen to find Roman.

"I'm sorry" slips out before Janus is even done processing the sight of him.

Roman is scooping ice cream straight out the tub, and does not stop to acknowledge Janus.

Janus takes a moment to compose himself, but he's pretty sure he just made enough of a fool of himself that what little dignity he had left went straight out the window.

"I'll talk, and you don't have to listen," he tries again. "When you laughed at me at a time I was vulnerable, I wanted to hurt you, and all I have for that is words. I said something with cruel implications, and I know what it is to you, I know why you jumped right to the implications. I get it. You think about that kind of thing all the time." He swallows, trying to think before he speaks, for once. "I know. And I'm sorry."

"You don't know," Roman mutters, in-between scoops.

"Not first-hand, no. Roman, you can't-- you don't get to call me a dark side just-- I'm trying, okay? You weren't against me during the trial, you know we can see eye-to-eye. I'm not evil."

Roman drops the scoop into the ice cream tub, glaring daggers.

"You don't know what it's like," Roman says. "You don't even know what it means."

"I do know."

"You don't know _shit,"_ Roman growls. "You're not even fucking trying with that lie, huh?"

"I'm not lying-- Roman, the Duke told me."

Roman recoils.

Janus takes a deep breath. "And before that, the King. Because I was there when he actually talked about the idea of splitting himself, of-- of the _mere concept_ of a dark and a core side."

Roman goes pale, all at once. "You don't-- you're lying, you don't know."

"You don't remember," Janus blinks. "You don't remember?"

Roman swallows, shakes his head.

"It was the King's idea, at first," Janus says. He takes the chair across from Roman. "Two halves, so creativity can survive, even when he's gone. He was too much, and he knew it far, far too well. It's--" Janus folds his hands on the table. "It's one thing for me to tell the truth, or for Virgil to be calm, or Logan to make a mistake - but the King had so many ways in which he could go right off the rails... Too much, too little, word vomit, art block, hyperfixation, writer's block, god forbid, the general creator's block had him--"

"--Starving," Roman mutters. "I remember, it was horrifying. But it's nothing like that when it's me, I just... sleep, or just don't show up, and it comes up as creator's block on the outside..."

Janus nods. "The King didn't split out of some silly hypothesis or a moment of weakness. He genuinely figured out a way to make everyone's lives easier and went for it. That includes his own life, Roman. Of course you have it easier than he did - it's by design."

Roman looks off to the side, taking another scoop of ice cream to give himself some time.

"He told me once," Janus says, "that it was in his nature to experience the creative process as a constant stream of thoughts, and feelings, and actions."

"Sort of," Roman mumbles around the scoop. "It's definitely not feelings central like Patton, but... I'm pretty sure nanowrimo isn't on the list of human emotions."

"That's a feeling for you?"

A nod.

"It must have been worse for the King. Amplified, at least, which sounds good for the sunny parts but one time I found him collapsed halfway through the front door because Thomas had a bad performance."

"When was that?"

"Very long ago. Elementary, I think. I don't even remember what kind of performance it was."

Roman taps the back of his spoon to his cheek, frowning. He nudges the tub to the middle of the table.

Janus takes a deep breath. "I know why it's important that you and Remus are separate. I'm sorry I said what I did. I never meant for you two to be that hurt, and I definitely never meant for the King to come back."

Roman sinks the spoon into the ice cream, glaring at it. "Did you know," he picks up a scoop, "that no one's ever said his name in front of us?"

Janus blinks. "No one?"

"Mhm."

"But it's been years."

"And yet you're still so careful with it," Roman says, bringing the scoop to his mouth. "What are you so afraid of?"

"Me, you know what I'm afraid of," Janus says. "Secrets are my thing, Roman, you know I'd never out anyone's name."

"You really think I don't know it?"

Much to Janus' horror, he realizes that he can't tell if Roman is lying. There's no lie _or_ truth in the bait he laid out, no bluff _or_ confidence.

It's a genuine question.

"I wouldn't know," Janus settles on.

"Has Remus never asked all this?"

When Remus speaks of Roy, Janus feels like he's listening to a grieving brother. When Remus speaks of Roy, Janus thinks of the cruel irony that comes with the idea of two triplets that can't call themselves twins, it is not what they are. When Remus speaks of Roy, he tries not to, always tries to bring it back to himself, and it's never crossed Janus' mind to press him on it.

But that's neither here nor there, and it's not Janus' issue to share.

"Does he talk about him with you?" he says instead, deflecting.

"Of course not," Roman says. He leans his chair back and stretches out to grab a spoon from the drawer behind him. "You just might have noticed, but I don't exactly try to find common ground with my brother."

Janus takes the offered spoon, can't help but notice it's an actual spoon to Roman's scoop ladle. "But you know that it's going to be common ground between you two?"

"I--" Roman hesitates. "Give me some credit. I remember _some_ things from before."

Janus scoops some ice cream, eats it, swallows slowly. "Do you remember earlier today?"

"Fuzzy."

Janus nods. "He said it wasn't him I had to apologize to."

"He was right."

Janus takes another spoonful of ice cream. "For the record, you're nothing like your brother."

Roman smiles down at the ice cream, brittle and sad. "For the record, your name is cool."

Janus takes one last scoop of ice cream, then stands to check the fridge. "Did you notice Logan putting me on your side for the split? I think that was an interesting choice on his part."

"We do see eye-to-eye sometimes," Roman agrees. "You were so desperate for that callback."

"Desperate? Me? Perish the thought."

Roman grins. "No."

"Curse you," Janus says over his shoulder, checking the cabinets next. "Are you really going to hold over me the fact that I wanted to us to be in a movie? For shame, Roman, and here I thought you'd spare me the humiliation."

Roman shakes his head. "You went about it the wrong way, you know. Way wrong. Nothing good ever happens when Logan is out of the picture, and you specifically targeted him."

Janus pauses. "Come again?"

"Think about it! Logan is the best debater of all of us, his points are the most valid, more often than not. Even when he's wrong, he's quick to realize it and ask for different perspectives until we can figure it out. I mean, the nerd can get monotonous so I get the benching thing--"

"I didn't bench him so I wouldn't have to listen to him," Janus says, turning to face Roman fully. "I benched him, I disguised myself as him, so he would stay out of it. Because he's too good at swaying every debate in his favor."

Roman tilts his head. "Why is that a bad thing?"

"Because he'd already weighted the two events against each other and found the wedding more important, I couldn't let him win the argument!"

"So you didn't even try to argue with him?" Roman frowns. "Deceit, the point of a debate is to sway the other to your opinion, not to fight until someone is proven wrong. We're all working for the same goal here."

Janus takes a slow breath. "Are you telling me to make friends with Logan so I can have him on my side of the debates?"

"I'm telling you to try talking to us for once, instead of setting up fights all the time."

Janus groans, dragging his hands down his face. "I can't believe this. I've been setting myself against Patton for no reason. Fucking figures."

"Wait, Patton? You were going against _Patton?"_

"You don't get it even after whatever the hell that last debate was?" Janus says. "He's my opposite, Roman, like Remus is to you. He's self-sacrifice, I'm self-preservation. He's the one I instinctively want to impersonate when I want to talk to Thomas - I've been impersonating Logan so he couldn't snipe all my arguments with actual real facts, but it's--" He huffs. "I guess it's morals that's the real snipe, for me."

Roman frowns, beyond confused. "I... guess that makes sense-- wait, is that why you've only tried to disguise yourself as Patton or Logan? One feels natural and the other was too much of a threat to leave be?"

"Little bit," Janus says. He picks out some crackers and sits back down. "It's kinda weird to impersonate the Duke or Anxiety - I can look like them easy, but actually trying to convince people I'm them?" He bites into a cracker.

Roman stares with the spoon still half in his mouth. "You're doing it, a little bit."

Janus looks at his arms. There's patchwork on his sleeves. "The looks is the easy part," he shrugs. "The voice, sometimes. The words are difficult."

Which is a wild oversimplification, but Janus is trying to apologize, not spill his guts all over. He seriously doubts he'll ever be comfortable enough with anyone to reveal that much about himself, that fast.

"...And--" Roman starts, clears his throat, tries again. "And what about me?"

Janus smiles on one side. "The Duke vetoed you."

"And the King?" Roman blurts.

Janus blinks. "The King?"

"Can you impersonate the King?"

Janus feels himself forcibly evening his appearance out to his own. "In... theory, I suppose."

Roman shakes his head. "No, forget I asked. I didn't... Sorry."

Janus swallows. He could tell Roman, surely, but... no. Not now. He's already shared enough that he feels uncomfortably exposed.

Besides, Roman might already know, anyway.

He takes another cracker.

"You used to," Roman says, after a few long minutes.

Janus doesn't confirm, but if Roman remembers that much, he doesn't need Janus to confirm.

"Have you, since?"

With a slow breath, Janus nods.

"...For Remus?"

"Goodnight," Janus says quickly, and sinks out of the kitchen, taking the crackers with him.

His room is warmer than the rest of the house. His bed probably hasn't gone cold yet. Is Janus willing to conjure away every cracker crumb that falls on the bed just so he can be warm while he eats his midnight snack?

Yes. He gets in his bed.

It's still warm.

Remus had asked to see how Roy had looked, once. He'd still been young and he hadn't figured out how Roy's memories happened in his head.

Janus had been missing his old friend, and he couldn't find anything wrong with indulging his new friend, so he'd shifted into Roy's appearance. The black jacket, the red-and-gold sash, the dozens upon dozens of decorations that even now Janus is sure he never has and never will replicate accurately. The crown.

Remus had frozen, then fainted.

It had not, until that moment, occur to Janus to question why neither Remus nor Roman had crowns. It would not be until weeks later - when Remus would start referring to himself as the Duke, and insist that everyone do the same - that Janus would have an idea as to why.

Remus hasn't asked since. Roman, of course, didn't even speak to Janus until recently, and technically, he didn't ask just now, either.

Janus eats his crackers.

He knows better than to present the twins with a mockery of the whole they'd once been together.

He _knows_ better, or at least, he _should_ know better.

That is was him specifically who fucked up enough for Roy to come back, no longer a whole but a half-forced mashup of two opposites--

Janus finishes his crackers and conjures the crumbs away.

It's fine. He apologized. Both twins seemed to accept the apology. Remus is even expecting Janus to show up and hang out soon.

Everything's _fine._

Janus is denial, sure. But he's also the one who can pick out the truth.

The truth is, it _will_ be fine.

And it's okay if it hurts in the meantime.

He settles in under the covers.

It's warm.

**Author's Note:**

> i did try to write this without wearing my shipping goggles but i'm pretty sure i did not succeed. also can you believe creativiking doesn't have his own tag smh


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